Sentience Proof

From SWILwiki

Table of contents

1 Explanation 2 Definitions 3 Examples 4 Consequences 5 See Also

Explanation

In order to become a non-member of SWIL, one must complete the following (usually, though not necessarily, in this order):

• attend three consecutive meetings
• prove one's sentience

The former rule can be waived, but never the latter -- however, it is possible to avoid having to give the sentience proof oneself by being proven sentient by proxy. It is also possible to technically attend three consecutive meetings by being proxied, usually by some kind of inanimate object labeled with one's name, brought to meeting by a friend.

The three-meeting rule can be waived entirely by executive privilege of the presidents if it is very important that someone be declared sentient, as was the case with Alex Leader-Smith, or in extenuating circumstances (e.g., a person who has a commitment every other Saturday that conflicts with SWILmeeting, SWILspawn who're just in town for the weekend, seniors at their last meeting). This is allowed through Executive Rule Number Four (or simply "Rule Four"). Attendance can also be fudged through loopholes -- traditionally, for instance, the Reunion meeting, which tends to have three times as many people and take three times as long as a real meeting, counts as three consecutive meetings for the purpose of sentience proofs, making it a popular venue for people to prove sentience who otherwise would not. The Pennsylvania RenFaire also often can be counted as a SWILmeeting for these purposes, a holdover from the days when people went to RenFaire on Saturdays so it conflicted with SWILmeeting.

Definitions

sentience:

1. The condition or quality of being sentient, consciousness, susceptibility to sensation.

proof:

2. The action, process, or fact of proving, or establishing the truth of, a statement; the action of evidence in convincing the mind; demonstration.

from The Oxford English Dictionary (http://dictionary.oed.com)

Examples

• In a fairly complex sentience proof, ~Elliot Reed '03 argued that he was God and cited a prior proof by Arcadia Falcone '02 to demonstrate God's sentience. SWIL refused to take a stand on his divinity, but decided that he did not exist. Consequently, it can be logically demonstrated that he is purple, that he is identical to an infinite number of ducks, and so forth (since if Elliot does not exist, then the logical statement (x)(Elliot(x) -> P(x)) is true for all P, at least under logical systems that treat nonexistent entities that way.)
• Blake Setlow attempted to prove his sentience by turning coffee into theorems, therefore proving that he was a mathematician, and therefore sentient. He however only had imaginary coffee, and produced only imaginary theorems, showing only that he was an imaginary mathematician. It was found obvious that he had real parts as well, and so possessing both real and imaginary parts implied that he was complex. This wasn't good enough for SWIL, so we rotated him 45 degrees, and then voted him sentient as a result of his complexity.
• Gregory Robinson proved sentience by stating that he was further along in evolutionary progression than any SWIL non-member, citing his multiracial background as proof that his subspecies had transcended the limitations of human racial groupings, comparing himself to Jessica Alba's character in Dark Angel. He then claimed that his genetic superiority was obvious in his superior physical strength, and proved his claim by arm-wrestling many SWIL non-members and defeating them. Later on, his claim to genetic superiority would be challenged in Alex Leader-Smith's famous sentience proof.
• Jillian Waldman proved sentience by proving that she was equal to Josh Smith, who had already been proven sentient. Concerned upperclassmen then made sure that this equivalence was only for the purpose of determining sentience and the two were not universally equivalent, which would've led to social problems.
• Arthur Chu proved sentience through a complex and meandering train of thought about his bedtime habits being superior to others', which somehow eventually led to his threatening to take his clothes off if he was not declared sentient at that meeting.
• Ben Thuronyi proved sentience by demonstrating that he was capable of redefining his self-identification, by demonstrating the many varied spellings of "Thuronyi" by which he was known. [A ridiculous claim. It was decided that because he had been at three consecutive meetings by proxy, but that such proxies were three different entities (Thuronyi, Thuroni, Thuroyni), Ben was three entities in one body. By achieving a mystery earlier only achieved by God (Or, according to some, nobody), Ben was sentient. -Andrew]
• Loki proved sentience by reading out in a synthesized voice the many cruel yet clever exploits he had performed to undermine the plans and lifestyle of his legal owner, Jackie Werner, proving his status as an independent sentient being.
• Ethan Jucovy proved sentience by claiming that to be sentient was to recognize a philosophical purpose justifying one's own existence. He then took a raisin that he legitimately took from Sharples and therefore owned, then lent it to Rachel Sapiro for an indefinite period of time, causing Rachel to become his raisin debtor (raison d'etre). Rachel then ate the raisin, preventing the reversal of the transaction and cementing his sentience.
• [first name censored] Jamison proved his sentience by proving his worthiness to wield the awesome might of the Apple-Hammer, an ability others have tried to attain but no one else has yet mastered.
• Chris White, after many years of dithering, finally proved sentience *negatively*, as is his wont as a negative, all-hating person. He attempted to show that SWIL's standards for sentience were meaningless and therefore he could be considered as sentient as anyone else, first pointing out that SWIL's entire non-membership lacked human worth (since none of them lived in Worth or were being treated in Worth Health Center) and then that the entire non-membership could be reduced to numbers, since they all had Josh Smith numbers. Arthur Chu contested this definition, since, he claimed, his simply having pornography did not make himself pornography. SWIL disagreed, and voted to declare Arthur "Pornography", now his official SWIL title. They were hesitant to declare Chris sentient, since, by Bob Gross's own definition, "No matter what you say to me, I am still a worthwhile person". Therefore for Chris' proof to succeed he had to communicate SWIL's worthlessness to them in mime, which he did admirably.
• Sam Jenkins claimed he needed to be proven sentient in order to satisfy the constant naggings of the imaginary Jackie Werner in his head, who threatened to destroy SWIL were he not dismembered to give her a SWIL purity point. Attempts by SWIL to generate their own imaginary Jackie Werner led only to failure (and, in Arthur Chu's case, some kind of deranged sexual fantasy), so instead they rotated the real Jackie 90 degrees to make her imaginary, then 180 degrees to make her imaginary and negative to match the one in Sam's head. Initial probes only discovered that Imaginary Jackie was damned and going to hell, but further investigation showed that Jackie (and we, by association) would do anything for Sam if he spoke in a British accent. This led to Sam belting out a rousing rendition of all the verses of "When I Was a Lad" from _Pinafore_, with all of SWIL rowdily chiming in on the chorus. This was officially declared the Most Frightening Thing Ever, and the Presidents, in huddled shock, granted Sam his dismemberment.
• Finlay Logan attempted to craft a sentience proof out of some sort of Objectivist Ayn Rand nonsense. It eventually transpired that she claimed that only true sentient beings had free will and could therefore act irrationally, unlike machines, or rocks. Attempts to kick Finlay and prove that she, like a rock, was subject to Newtonian physics failed, as did bizarre yet titillating attempts to refer to SWIL fan-fiction to prove Finlay was an android. Arthur Chu pointed out that, according to the Tao of Pooh, Winnie the Pooh achieves true free will and internal enlightenment through suppressing his own sentience and being at one with nature, and inquired if this, too, was true of Finlay the Pooh. Upon being sharply told that Finlay was not a Pooh, Arthur then inquired how Finlay the Spec could prove sentience if she wasn't yet a current student, at which point Finlay smote him verily with the Applehammer, proving that she had the same Viking powers as Jamison and proving her capable of rage and vengeance. Neither of these are really arguable preconditions of sentience, but everyone had been waiting long enough for someone to hit Arthur that they made her sentient anyway.
  • While it has been decided that one's sentience cannot be proved unwillingly and by proxy, one or the other is theoretically allowed. For instance, the hapless Alex Leader-Smith was famously proven sentient against his will and through a pre-written proof created for him by Arthur Chu (calculated to sabotage his non-membership by turning all Swillies present against him, but which, in fact, just resulted in a lot of people being extremely annoyed at Arthur). (Alex Leader-Smith was a Phoenix reporter who was attending the meeting of a different club each week - naturally, when it came SWIL's Saturday, we rule-fived him, proved him sentient, and dismembered him.)
• Among nonhuman physical objects to be declared sentient in the course of SWIL sentience proofs are:
  • Susan Zell's stomach (now the minimum standard for sentience)
  • a rubber duck belonging to Marie (also proven to be Jesus, based on the fact that it is "the One")
  • Jackie Werner's laptop computer Loki (which read out its own sentience proof with a voice synthesizer).
  • Callicles the Moose, who, after being proven sentient, was elected president alongside BDan Fairchild, Benjamin R, George and Elliot Reed, taking the title "Ruly" (the others were "Couth", "Kempt" and "Sheveled", respectively).
  • jere7my's HP-48SX calculator, which demonstrated sentience by keeping Melissa Shaner distracted for an entire meeting with Minesweeper.

Consequences

• Those that have proved sentience are then forcibly dismembered with a spoon. Popular choices for member to be removed include arms, legs, and heads, although Meredith was dismembered by the removal of his tongue. Amputated limbs are given to the Master at Arms, unless there isn't one, in which case they go in that little table with the doors in Room 4.
• Dismembered beings are then full voting non-members of SWIL, which may or may not be a good thing.
• Dismembered beings remain non-members until shortly before their Swarthmore graduations (or equivalent), at which point SWIL completes the pun by Remembering them and returning their amputated limbs.

See Also

• List of Rules
• List of various standards of sentience (http://www.frivolity.com/teatime/Miscellaneous/standard_of_sentience.txt)